


The despair that I can't feel

by beneaththeskin



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-08 21:41:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1137694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beneaththeskin/pseuds/beneaththeskin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An episode of the daily life of two best friends - Eiji and Rika.<br/>Eiji managed to wander off and get in a bit of trouble, but is fortunately found by Rika.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The despair that I can't feel

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old work I wrote a couple of years ago just to let off some steam. I might continue this if I feel the inspiration o:
> 
> Also about the physical appearance of the characters, I imagine Eiji to be quite tall and really skinny. Short dark hair, light eyes, boy-ish clothing. Since she's, bluntly, quite messed up, she has a number of scars here 'n there on her body. Rika I imagine to be a bit shorter and with long auburn hair, generally kind-looking. With an aura of 'love', I might even say.

_I’ve done it yet again. Yet again I’ve done something I hate. I’m an experienced professional at hurting others. I do it all the time, like it can’t be stopped by any means. How is it possible that she still even considers me her friend, I wonder. 'Am I even human' I’ve sometimes thought. I manipulate my best friend with full conscience, the person who matters the most to me in this world. The world would be better off without me. Though people wouldn’t understand it even if I told them. All I can give this world is pain. People are suffering enough even without me here. But, yes, I know I have responsibilities here, I can’t just randomly wander off without keeping in mind that there would be consequences. And there are many people who ‘care’ for me, right? That’s what they tell me at least.._

Another moment on the edge of a narrow cliff, trying to look into the depths that couldn’t possibly be seen. Trying to find something that’s most likely not even there. With all these burning feelings fallen upon her, Eiji leans against a frozen brick wall.

_Maybe I should have put on some warm clothes at least._

This sudden unbearable state of mind had made her step out of the house she lives in without a second thought, with just a t-shirt on. Suddenly realizing that she has her bare hand against ice, Eiji lets out something high-pitched that resembles laughter.

“This one will be bothersome to hide,” as she looks at the cold burn, “I just can’t do anything right anymore… can I?”

Slowly dragging her feet after her, Eiji heads to a random direction. Even though it’s late, light reflecting from the snow brightens up the night. The moon seems, in a way, intriguing, in the clear dark sky, as if it can be reached by just stretching out an arm. Eiji takes a deep breath, engrossed in this intoxicating atmosphere.

_I wonder what time it is already. I’ve been out for like at least a couple of hours, I think._

Even though she has school soon, she can’t bring herself to go home yet.

_How could I possibly change myself now? I don’t like it, but I don’t remember how to be different, or to be more exact, how to be like most other people. I would do anything for Rika, anything… if I only knew what it is that she needs most. I’ll just do whatever possible… whatev-… huh?_

Without having noticed, Eiji was already down on her knees, in the snow. All these thoughts penetrate her mind over and over again, block out reality, overwhelming, disturbing, irresistible.

_I can’t-ugh… feel my feet._

Growing weakness, intensely taking control over her sleek, light body, pushes Eiji further into the piercing-cold snow.

_Could this finally be it..? So easi-… ly… I will..?_

Feeling slightly happy, even, she’s slowly losing consciousness, wondering if this is the end, even if it’s not as she had imagined. She doesn’t really even seem to care for what’s going to happen next.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Slowly regaining consciousness, still not comprehending her surroundings, Eiji slightly opens her eyes, too weak to even raise a hand. Vision so blurred and head throbbing, she doesn’t know where she is. Some murmuring sound feels like coming from miles away. _Do I know this sound_ she thinks, with no real interest in knowing. The sound feels louder and louder, as if it’s cutting into the insides of her head.

“Eiji, can you hear me? Eiji?”

As she can almost hear normally again, Eiji feels like she might have figured out who this is.

“Ri-… ka..?”

She still can’t really see her, slightly confused whether it is her at all or not.

“Eiji, It’s me, I’m here.”

_It really is her… why?_

Eiji feels slight relief next to confusion. Suddenly she feels really hurt, not really knowing why.

“Hey, now, why are you crying? You’re safe here. I’m here,” says Rika softly.

“Crying..? Ah-..”

Now she notices that tears are flowing down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Rika, I’m-“

“It’s okay. There’s nothing you should apologize for. I’m glad I found you here,” and Rika gently dries her tears. “Ah, wait, you’re-” she feels Eiji’s forehead, only to find out “You’re burning up! You have a high fever… wait here, I’m gonna bring you some medicine right away!”

Rika hurries downstairs, the rumble can be heard clearly even upstairs, as she trashes the place to find the right medicine.

“You shouldn’t do this for me… Rika…”

Eiji tries to stand up properly, holding onto the couch for support. Her head is throbbing hard as she’s trying to walk out of Rika’s room, stumbling here and there.

“I can’t cause you trouble any longer..”

Getting dizzier and dizzier, with a sharp headache, Eiji leans against the wall, breathing hard and fast. Feeling faint, she slides slightly lower.

“I can’t even do this much, huh..?”

Suddenly, Rika opens the door, bringing the medicine.

“Eiji, what are you-!”

Rika quickly puts down the medicine and rushes to support her.

“You have a really high fever, you shouldn’t be walking anywhere.”

Eiji, still heavily breathing, lowers her head and silently apologizes while avoiding looking at Rika. Rika strongly hugs her, holding Eiji’s head against her's.

“Please don’t be rash like this… care for yourself more..”

Eiji tries to hold herself up as much as possible, with all the remaining strength she has, feeling like she’s still going to lose grasp of consciousness. Rika sees how worn out she is, and tells her to let go of all her strength. Eiji silently complies. Rika lifts Eiji up to take her back to the bed. Carrying her light body makes Rika's insides ache.

“You’ve lost even more weight? When was the last time you ate?” she asks.

“I’m not-.. sure..” says Eiji, while idly looking away.

Rika sighs heavily, while carefully placing her down on her bed.

“It’s 5 am soon, be sure you get to sleep a lot. Don’t think I’d let you go to school today. You’ll stay here with me, I’ll take a sick leave as well.”

Suppressing her accelerated breathing, Eiji no longer senses anything around her.

 

* * *

 

Eiji, slowly remembering everything that had happened, opens her eyes. The sun is shining outside, with all the snow brilliantly reflecting it.

_It’s so bright. Looks like all there is, is this bright, blinding light.. it’s beautiful._

“Ah, you’re up.”

_Rika?_

It’s a little too bright too see correctly if it’s her or not, and it hurts the eyes to look towards her. But there’s no way anyone else would have this soft, kind voice.

“ ‘morning, Rika.”

_I feel so light._

Coming closer, Rika seems to have something in her hands.

“Here, you should take this in,” and Eiji is given a small white pill and a glass of water. “It’s medicine, it will make you feel better.” And Rika smiles and laughs slightly.

“Ah, thanks,” and Eiji struggles a bit to swallow it, as her throat is quite sore.

“Did you sleep well, Ei-chan?”

“Eh? Yea..”

_Why are you doing all this, I have nothing to give you in return.. but thinking this won’t lead anywhere either, right?_

“So I was thinking,” says Rika with a playful voice, as to interrupt the complex expression Eiji had on her face, “The sun’s nice, ain’t it? It’s so bright today.. it almost looks like it’s trying to shine all the world’s troubles away, don’t ya think?”

Taken by surprise, Eiji can’t really reply to that. Looking at Rika’s face more closely, she notices that even though her expression is quite blissful, it sort of has a taste of sadness in it, making it contradictive.


End file.
